Just a disclaimer - I get pretty candid and open in this post (and the next). I've not really ever been one to keep things private; I like to share my feelings and thoughts and experiences in hopes that they will help someone else who might be going through something similar, but aren't as open as I am. So, you've been warned.
A year ago about this time I started on a journey, and it wasn't a journey that I knew I was starting and it wasn't exactly a "good" journey.
I headed into a really dark place. It wasn't until recently, as I look back, that I am really disgusted with the person I was. I was able to cover it up in front of many, but it was there. Dark Mandi was there.
I had a lot of anger and resentment and just swept a lot of things under the rug because I didn't want to deal with them. Thanks to my therapist, I have really been able to "feel my feelings" and deal with the emotions and move past them. It's really weird because I was able to be very emotional and show emotions, but I was equally as good at squashing them and ignoring them.
I had/have been struggling a lot with self image. Thankfully, that is something I have control over...I just need to do something about it! With a change in lifestyle I can make that happen - so Mandi, as Nike says - "Just Do It!".
The biggest issue is that I felt like I was lost. Completely lost. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful little boys; but I just felt like I wasn't doing anything worthwhile. I'm not saying I thought I was worthless; just felt that I wasn't bringing anything to the table.....anyone's table. I know that sounds completely silly because I was home with one and then TWO children basically 24 hours a day, taking care of them, teaching them, feeding them, etc, so I know that in that sense I was making a difference. Yet I still had a feeling of emptiness inside.
Another issue I had was that I felt I was so alone. I knew that all I had to do was call my bestie S.W. and that I wasn't alone, but I didn't know I wasn't alone. I felt like I was so empty inside and that there was no bright light in sight. I was depressed. Really depressed.
And the last of my "bigger" issues really stems way back in feeling like I wasn't accepted. I went through a lot at school because I was bigger. I remember a very specific incident when, in 12th grade, I was wearing a really pretty red sweater. At the time, the LONG sweaters were in, so it went down to my thighs. I was in Mrs. P's class and I had left the room for something. When I came back there was some sign taped to the outside of the door in reference to "Clifford the Big Red Dog." I know who did it, and I know that friends of mine thought it was funny. But it wasn't. It was bullying and it hurt. And it has stayed with me since then. That's just one example. I guess my point is that the unacceptance that I felt then has really affected the person I am today. And it wasn't just about my appearance, either, it had a lot to do with feeling like I had let people down and that I didn't measure up to what they wanted. I'm not speaking about specific people....teachers, coaches, teammates, classmates, etc.
So, where am I going with this? It gets better. You might think that it won't, but it does. Talk to someone, talk about the things that are weighing you down because I can GUARANTEE that once you do it will feel like they have been lifted off of your shoulders. And you remember what I said about feeling empty and depressed and like I couldn't see the light?? I talked to someone and I don't feel empty or depressed and I have a lot of light in my life.
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