Looking for you pt 1

Just a disclaimer - I get pretty candid and open in this post (and the next).  I've not really ever been one to keep things private; I like to share my feelings and thoughts and experiences in hopes that they will help someone else who might be going through something similar, but aren't as open as I am.  So, you've been warned.

A year ago about this time I started on a journey, and it wasn't a journey that I knew I was starting and it wasn't exactly a "good" journey.

I headed into a really dark place.  It wasn't until recently, as I look back, that I am really disgusted with the person I was.  I was able to cover it up in front of many, but it was there.  Dark Mandi was there.

I had a lot of anger and resentment and just swept a lot of things under the rug because I didn't want to deal with them.  Thanks to my therapist, I have really been able to "feel  my feelings" and deal with the emotions and move past them.  It's really weird because I was able to be very emotional and show emotions, but I was equally as good at squashing them and ignoring them.

I had/have been struggling a lot with self image.  Thankfully, that is something I have control over...I just need to do something about it!  With a change in lifestyle I can make that happen - so Mandi, as Nike says - "Just Do It!".

The biggest issue is that I felt like I was lost.  Completely lost.  I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful little boys; but I just felt like I wasn't doing anything worthwhile.  I'm not saying I thought I was worthless; just felt that I wasn't bringing anything to the table.....anyone's table.  I know that sounds completely silly because I was home with one and then TWO children basically 24 hours a day, taking care of them, teaching them, feeding them, etc, so I know that in that sense I was making a difference.  Yet I still had a feeling of emptiness inside.

Another issue I had was that I felt I was so alone.  I knew that all I had to do was call my bestie S.W. and that I wasn't alone, but I didn't know I wasn't alone.  I felt like I was so empty inside and that there was no bright light in sight.  I was depressed.  Really depressed.

And the last of my "bigger" issues really stems way back in feeling like I wasn't accepted.  I went through a lot at school because I was bigger.  I remember a very specific incident when, in 12th grade, I was wearing a really pretty red sweater.  At the time, the LONG sweaters were in, so it went down to my thighs.  I was in Mrs. P's class and I had left the room for something.  When I came back there was some sign taped to the outside of the door in reference to "Clifford the Big Red Dog."  I know who did it, and I know that friends of mine thought it was funny.  But it wasn't.  It was bullying and it hurt.  And it has stayed with me since then.  That's just one example.  I guess my point is that the unacceptance that I felt then has really affected the person I am today.  And it wasn't just about my appearance, either, it had a lot to do with feeling like I had let people down and that I didn't measure up to what they wanted.  I'm not speaking about specific people....teachers, coaches, teammates, classmates, etc.

So, where am I going with this?  It gets better.  You might think that it won't, but it does.  Talk to someone, talk about the things that are weighing you down because I can GUARANTEE that once you do it will feel like they have been lifted off of your shoulders.  And you remember what I said about feeling empty and depressed and like I couldn't see the light??  I talked to someone and I don't feel empty or depressed and I have a lot of light in my life.

Well, it's August 27th, 2012 and I think I need a new blog.  It's not just Scotty so Hotty anymore.....we have added Noah to our family and I just think I need a new blog that reflects what's going on in my life.  I didn't want to start a new one, but it wouldn't let me change the name on the old one.  Or, at least I couldn't find where to change it :-)

A Lady and her Loves is all about the things I love!  My family (Nick, Scott and Noah), my pets, my amazing friends, my LIFE (yep, even the times I am beside myself and am so frustrated!)....and my list actually goes on and on.

For those of you who do not know me, I am a 31 year old wife and mother of two boys.  Nick is my husband, and we will celebrate six years of wedded bliss this November (2012).  Scott is 2.5 years old and Noah is 6 months.  We also have three pets.  Braylon and Jake (7 and 4 years, respectively) are boxers and Sammy (9 years) is our cat.  We also have a beta fish named Bo who is about 3 years old and we just got our son Scott an aquarium with four fish, which he feeds twice daily.

I am a stay at home mom and also have two businesses.  I am a consultant with Scentsy (https://sniffscentsationally.scentsy.us) and Grace Adele, a new brand from Scentsy (https://alsmith.graceadele.us).

So, there you have it in a nutshell.  I hope that you find my ramblings, er, writings entertaining enough to keep coming back!

~M