Finding my way back

All to Jesus I surrender; 
all to him I freely give; 
I will ever love and trust him, 
in his presence daily live. 

I surrender all, I surrender all, 
all to thee, my blessed Savior, 
I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender; 
humbly at his feet I bow, 
worldly pleasures all forsaken; 
take me, Jesus, take me now. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
make me, Savior, wholly thine; 
fill me with thy love and power; 
truly know that thou art mine. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
Lord, I give myself to thee; 
fill me with thy love and power; 
let thy blessing fall on me. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
now I feel the sacred flame. 
O the joy of full salvation! 
Glory, glory, to his name! 

Thank you, God, for speaking to me in church this morning.  I have been losing my way but you always find just the right way to get me back on track :-)  You truly are all I need and I am so humbled to serve you.

My wonderful family!

Awww yes, family picture time!  As always, our photographer (the most wonderful Andrea Ortiz of After The Stork Photography) took some beautiful pictures!  This is one of my favorite family shots.  Although, I wish I would have remembered to take my stupid hair tie off of my wrist!!  Ha!

It was a great day and we even had some with the dogs with us, which means a lot since Braylon is no longer with us.

The boys did really well.  Noah was getting a little antsy towards the end of the shoot, and Scott is, well, Scott!  A two year old doesn't want to sit around and take pictures for more than two minutes haha!

And finally, probably my favorite picture of us.....which is strange because it's all of us facing away but Noah is looking right at Andrea!

I am truly so blessed to have such a fantastic family.  It's not always smiles and happiness, but we always, ALWAYS have love, and that's really all that matters <3

My Braylon

Braylon Edwards Hoover Smith was born on March 13, 2005.  I remember the day we brought him home.  He grew up so fast and was, for a while, such a lanky looking puppy!  His legs were so long and his body didn't seem to fit...he was just all legs.

Braylon was our (mine and Nick's together) first baby.  We spoiled him like crazy.  He brought so much joy into our lives.  He could make every crappy day a good day by just his loving greeting when we walked in the door.  He was always so excited to see us, every time, no matter if we were gone the entire day for work or just stepped out to grab something out of the car.

Yesterday, November 3, 2012 around 8:40 pm we said a very difficult goodbye to our baby.  He was diagnosed with cancer - lymphoma - on September 5 of this year.  I know in my head that it was his time.  He let us know it was his time.

I have been reading up on the stages of grief and coping with the loss of a pet and one of the first stages is guilt.  I've entered that stage.  I keep trying to convince myself that we made a mistake and that it wasn't his time but that is just my broken heart talking.  He wasn't happy, he didn't feel well and wasn't eating, and he just laid around all day.  My head knows he was ready to go to Heaven, but my heart still wants him here.

We've chosen to have him cremated, and the vet clinic where he was going has made a paw imprint of his paw for us to pick up with his cremains when they are ready.

I know it's not goodbye, it's see you later, but standing there as the door to his room at the vet's office last night closed and saying see you later was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I just want to feel his velvet-y ears again.  I can't smell him anymore.  I don't mean like an odor....your dog has a scent and I can't smell him anymore and I am scared that I am losing everything about him.  It's only been a day, how can I be feeling this way?  I just want to snuggle him.  I just want o feel his spiky nose.  I just want a great big smooch from him.  As much as I want all that I know that he isn't suffering and that he is happy and bounding around with my Lexxie and they are probably chasing Dyson and Frankie (and Pokey, Catra and Scrappy).