One.

One.  My baby boy is one today.  A year ago today, at 2:19 pm Noah entered this world.  I cannot believe that he is one!

Yep, this is my little "Nick Jr" :-)

This last year has been filled with so many blessings, but it's also been the toughest time of my life.  I thought one baby was tough.  I thought I was exhausted and that I couldn't go any more.  Oh no my friend.  One baby is a BREEZE.  With one baby you can nap when they nap or shower when they nap, or do whatever you need to do when they nap.  When you have two and they don't nap at the same time you don't get to do those things so easily - like shower or EAT.  And exhaustion with one baby?  Nothing compared to a two year old and an infant.  And then once that infant starts walking.....

No.Rest.For.The.Wicked.

It was also a tough emotional year.  I had no idea what having two would be like.  Scott was at the perfect age to push buttons every day and sometimes, no matter how many times I said no, he kept pushing.  I've learned a lot from being a mom, and even the most trying days I wouldn't trade because they made me a stronger, better person.

The most important thing I've learner so far is to give my children the gift of acceptance.  To always accept them and to teach them acceptance of others.  I don't care what they want to be in a career or what clubs they join in school...I just want them to be happy and to be able to be themselves.

So thank you, Noah, for blessing mommy (and daddy) so much!  You are becoming such a wonderful little boy and we are so excited to see the person you are becoming!  We love you to the moon!

Finding my way back

All to Jesus I surrender; 
all to him I freely give; 
I will ever love and trust him, 
in his presence daily live. 

I surrender all, I surrender all, 
all to thee, my blessed Savior, 
I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender; 
humbly at his feet I bow, 
worldly pleasures all forsaken; 
take me, Jesus, take me now. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
make me, Savior, wholly thine; 
fill me with thy love and power; 
truly know that thou art mine. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
Lord, I give myself to thee; 
fill me with thy love and power; 
let thy blessing fall on me. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender; 
now I feel the sacred flame. 
O the joy of full salvation! 
Glory, glory, to his name! 

Thank you, God, for speaking to me in church this morning.  I have been losing my way but you always find just the right way to get me back on track :-)  You truly are all I need and I am so humbled to serve you.

My wonderful family!

Awww yes, family picture time!  As always, our photographer (the most wonderful Andrea Ortiz of After The Stork Photography) took some beautiful pictures!  This is one of my favorite family shots.  Although, I wish I would have remembered to take my stupid hair tie off of my wrist!!  Ha!

It was a great day and we even had some with the dogs with us, which means a lot since Braylon is no longer with us.

The boys did really well.  Noah was getting a little antsy towards the end of the shoot, and Scott is, well, Scott!  A two year old doesn't want to sit around and take pictures for more than two minutes haha!

And finally, probably my favorite picture of us.....which is strange because it's all of us facing away but Noah is looking right at Andrea!

I am truly so blessed to have such a fantastic family.  It's not always smiles and happiness, but we always, ALWAYS have love, and that's really all that matters <3

My Braylon

Braylon Edwards Hoover Smith was born on March 13, 2005.  I remember the day we brought him home.  He grew up so fast and was, for a while, such a lanky looking puppy!  His legs were so long and his body didn't seem to fit...he was just all legs.

Braylon was our (mine and Nick's together) first baby.  We spoiled him like crazy.  He brought so much joy into our lives.  He could make every crappy day a good day by just his loving greeting when we walked in the door.  He was always so excited to see us, every time, no matter if we were gone the entire day for work or just stepped out to grab something out of the car.

Yesterday, November 3, 2012 around 8:40 pm we said a very difficult goodbye to our baby.  He was diagnosed with cancer - lymphoma - on September 5 of this year.  I know in my head that it was his time.  He let us know it was his time.

I have been reading up on the stages of grief and coping with the loss of a pet and one of the first stages is guilt.  I've entered that stage.  I keep trying to convince myself that we made a mistake and that it wasn't his time but that is just my broken heart talking.  He wasn't happy, he didn't feel well and wasn't eating, and he just laid around all day.  My head knows he was ready to go to Heaven, but my heart still wants him here.

We've chosen to have him cremated, and the vet clinic where he was going has made a paw imprint of his paw for us to pick up with his cremains when they are ready.

I know it's not goodbye, it's see you later, but standing there as the door to his room at the vet's office last night closed and saying see you later was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I just want to feel his velvet-y ears again.  I can't smell him anymore.  I don't mean like an odor....your dog has a scent and I can't smell him anymore and I am scared that I am losing everything about him.  It's only been a day, how can I be feeling this way?  I just want to snuggle him.  I just want o feel his spiky nose.  I just want a great big smooch from him.  As much as I want all that I know that he isn't suffering and that he is happy and bounding around with my Lexxie and they are probably chasing Dyson and Frankie (and Pokey, Catra and Scrappy).

The Blessings of My Life

This was my conversation with Scott around 5:00 this evening.  He had just tooted.

Scott: I toot!

Me: Did you toot?

Scott: YEAH!

Me: What do we say after we toot?

Scott: More toot!

Kids do say the funniest things!  Just this last weekend when I was at my mom and dad's house he picked up a toy phone and said "Hello, garbage truck here!" and I about spit out my drink.  He really is one of the light's of my life!

Noah just turned 7 months and he is army crawling all over the place!  I thought it was because he was a baby genius, but when I was telling the dr at his 6 month check up she told me it was probably because he sees his big brother getting around so he wants to, too.  So much for my baby genius haha!

(Good thing he isn't in ALL orange)

I really do have so much to be thankful for.  A beautiful family, money to pay the bills, a roof over my head and endless love.  Thank you, Lord!

My buddy, my buddy

Braylon update:
Had a follow up appointment with the veterinary oncologist today and we decided on a treatment plan for Bray.  He will get a chemo pill every three weeks and will also take a steroid (prednisone) every day.  She was so happy with the difference one week and some medicine made.  He is a completely different dog today than he was one week ago.

The not so awesome news is that with this treatment, average life span is 6 months.  We are just really glad that we are getting the opportunity to have a bit more time with him.

Thanks to the steroid he thinks he is starving all the time so he is moping a lot and licking his bowl and giving me sad eyes.  I told him he wasn't going to get to play the cancer card on me every day, and that he had to pick and choose when he wanted to bring that out :-)

He is a happy boy again, and today he was actually playing in the backyard with Jake and I haven't seen him do that in quite a while.  I've got my buddy back, and will have him for just a short time more, but I will cherish every moment that I get to spend with him!!

Looking for you pt 2

I decided to make two entries instead of one big one so maybe you won't be as bored thinking you have to read one HUGE entry!

I've always been a Christian, always been a believer, but I wasn't "walking the walk" so to say.  I knew God existed and I have seen the many miracles He has performed within my family, so I knew He was God.  But I didn't know Him.

In my feelings of being lost I had a dream.  I awoke so abruptly one night (before Noah was born) with the following words BLARING in my head...."make it count."  What the heck?  Make it count?  Make WHAT count?  Who said that?  WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?!?!

I truly believe it was God talking to me.  I believe He was telling me just that - make it count.  "It" was everything....life, being a wife, being a mother, being a friend, etc.  Make it count.  Shortly after Noah was born (and I forgot about this as I was having a wonderful conversation with my pastor) I had an experience in church that almost brought me to my knees but didn't because I was holding Noah.  We were singing "The Power of Your Love" and the sermon was about forgiveness for yourself and forgiving others.  I felt Him right beside me; I felt His powerful presence and it was truly amazing.

I have been on yet another journey but this time it's a good one :-)  I have been getting to know God, really getting to know Him.  I have been doing a lot of studying and reading and I have finally found my path, I've found what God has been calling me to do.  I want to be a youth minister!!!  (Now, this isn't something that will happen until the boys are in school, but I have a lot of work to do in the meantime getting my Bible straight haha!).

Now, I know some of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes, or even laughing (especially if you are imagining college Mandi and youth minstry!).  I'll be the first to admit that I've never really fully "acted" the Christian part.  I'm not perfect, I'm not born again - I've just found God, really found Him.  I have a lot of learning yet to do, and I have to really work on myself at times to act or think the way that God wants me to.  However, that doesn't change the fact that I really feel He has called on me to spread His word and to work with others and help them to find Him the same way I found Him.

It's really an incredible feeling.  I feel like a brand new person.  All the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Feeling worried?  Nope!  I give it all to God.  Feeling depressed?  Nope!  I give that to God, too!

How many times have you ever said "I'll have to see it to believe it"?  I know I've said it a lot.  Guess what?  I've never seen God (or Jesus) but I believe in them.  You don't always have to see something to believe it / believe IN it.  Faith is such an amazing thing.  Faith is knowing that God is always there for me; He is always with me and nothing is too big or too small to give to Him.  He is there for just that!

What I admire most about God and Jesus is that they love everyone and their love is endless NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE.

If you think that you want to go on this journey, too, let me know!  I would love to have a partner in crime (for lack of better words haha)!  If you want to just talk about God I can tell you all of the great things He has done for me in my life, and the miracles He has worked on my family and friends.  From cancer to just feeling down and out, He has always been there for the ones I love, and He is always there for you!